23 Days

This week I head back to work. I hope I can manage to make my actual three day work week. I haven't done that yet. I guess time will tell.

I have 23 days of work left. I thought about that a lot last night. 23 days. 23 days of up before the sun, get the kids dressed and ready while they're half asleep and dropped off at their respective babysitters. 23 days of riding the bus from the parking lot while checking my calendar to see what the day holds. 23 days to spend with my friend Tara. 23 more days of deadlines and time lines, urgent e-mails and follow-ups. 23 more days of policies and procedures, meetings and conference calls. 23 more days of paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. 23 more days of a brand new office finally on the second floor where I belong. 23 more days of rushing out of the hospital at 3:30 so that I can drag Cooper out of daycare and pick McKenna up on time. 23 more days.

To part of my brain it seems like forever because those 23 days are spread out over the next two months. But to the other part of my brain I can't imagine how I will possibly wrap things up and walk away from it all in 23 days.

Do not be mistaken, I realize that come September my mornings will still begin before the sun comes up but this time with an early morning feeding and diaper change. I'm sure that we will still rush around in the morning in an attempt to get everyone where they need to be. My new time lines will deal with McKenna's morning drop off, the baby's feeding and nap schedule and Cooper's play dates. My paperwork will consist of permission slips and 2nd grade homework and my conference calls will probably be with my mom or my grandparents. My new office will be Peach Blossom Way and instead of one boss I'll now have 4!

Soon it will be time to see if it all will turn out the way I imagine. Two months. 23 days.

No Holding Back

When Cooper was born McKenna was just three and a half years old. She was old enough to use the potty by herself, challenge me to a game of Candyland and carry on a half decent conversation. Yet she still had those cute little chubby cheeks that let you know she was still a toddler. Cooper came into our lives almost a full month early. And even more of a surprise than his early entrance into the world was the realization that three days later I would return home with a new baby boy and find that my "baby girl" had virtually grown up over night.


I distinctly remember a day when Cooper was just weeks old. My grandfather had traveled from Lewistown and stopped to see us. He asked if he could take McKenna out for breakfast. A simple request from a man who had many more life experiences than I had. He was someone who had taken my brothers and I on countless outings throughout his life. Surely he could be trusted to take a three year old down the road for pancakes. In my head there was no way I could say no. I was still in my pj's home alone with a new baby and a three year old. I needed a shower and perhaps even a nap at 9 in the morning. But my heart seized with the thought of handing my daughter over to his care for a few hours. In the end I strapped her car seat into the back of his Subaru, gave him a quick lesson on how to buckle the contraption and off they went. I tried not to let my post partum hormones get the best of me and headed back inside to worry about both of them until they returned.

With our third baby on the way I know now to expect to see McKenna and Cooper grow up overnight. I've even noticed changes in Cooper since the beginning of January when I first got sick. His conversations and interests have changed from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and trains to Batman and video games. But at the end of the day he's still my little baby for the time being and I can more or less control his social life. McKenna on the other hand is another story.

This weekend McKenna was invited to a birthday party. A friend who she has grown up with since her early daycare days was turning seven. We've known the family for years and of course McKenna was excited to attend the party. When the invitation first came it was for a movie and dinner. Later the invitation was extended to include swimming and a sleepover at a local hotel. What a cool idea, I thought. And then I thought again. I wasn't sure I was comfortable handing my 7 year old over for half the day and all night. And so I said to McKenna, "They are going to go to a hotel and swim and have a sleepover after the movies. But you don't have to do that if you don't want to." McKenna took one look at me, wrinkled up her forehead and said, "No." I breathed a quiet sigh of relief. But a little while later it hit me...what the heck kind of mother was I? McKenna has been scared of her shadow since she was old enough to realize what a shadow was. We have spent half her life trying to get her to step out of the box, try something new; ride a small roller coaster, jump in the pool, have fun. And here I was trying to protect myself, not McKenna. I felt like I was holding her back. Maybe I'm always holding her back.

And so I suggested that maybe she take her swimsuit and towel "just in case" she decided to go to the pool. And if she later decided to stay overnight I would bring her jammies and clean clothes. Then I dropped her off at her friends, hugged her extra tight, told her I loved her and bolted for the door. Once safely inside the car I took a deep breath, said a silent prayer and headed home where I would sit and worry about her until she came back.

This evening while we were at dinner I got a text message saying that McKenna had decided to stay the night, could I please bring her some clothes. At the same time I was feeling proud of her for doing something outside of what I perceive as her comfort zone that old familiar worry crept back in. I stopped briefly back at the house and tried to decide what pair of pj's were appropriate for a 7 year old slumber party. I decided on Hello Kitty hoping it was not too "babyish" and would keep her warm. I through in an outfit for tomorrow, a toothbrush, a hair tie and her pillow. Then I paused at her bedroom door trying to decide if I throw in the ratty old pink bear or not. In end I did, burying it safely at the bottom of the bag in case I made the wrong choice.

Ten minutes later we arrived at the hotel pool area. I spotted McKenna immediately as she saw me come in the door. The smile on her face said it all as she exclaimed, "Mom, I'm having so much fun." My daughter who this time last year was struggling and crying her way through swimming lessons was playing and swimming with all the other girls and having a blast doing it. I gave her a quick hug, told her how much I loved her and whispered that her 'Bear-Bear' was at the bottom of the bag. She looked delighted, said "I love you, too" and was back in the water.

The last I heard the girls were showered, in their jammies and watching a movie. It sounds like great fun to me and I'm so glad McKenna didn't miss it. She is going to grow up fast in the next six months. And for the rest of my life I'm pretty sure I'm going to have nights like tonight and mornings like when I let her go out to breakfast without me. Days and nights where I'll secretly worry until she is home again with me. But today was a reminder that we all have to step out of our comfort zones, experience new things and not hold back. Even me.

An Update

Where has the time gone? That's kind of what I keep thinking to myself. But I guess that is what happens when you more or less sleep through 6 weeks like I did. Apparently it's been a miserable winter...I wouldn't necessarily know unless you asked me about the past week and then I would have to tend to agree. I just can't get over the fact that next week will be March! I'm so excited!!!!

I also can't get over the fact that today I have officially entered into the 2nd trimester with the new baby. Praise the Lord! I am thrilled to report that I am feeling much, much better. I still have my moments but I have recently ventured out for a quick shopping trip downtown and gone out for breakfast a time or two. It feels so good to be out among the living again.

Of course, just when I started to feel a little human, the baby had to remind me that it was still there - this time by way of kidney stones. Luckily, the pain hit me at home on a day that Earl was home from work and my parents were around to watch the kids. We also were blessed that two of our friends were working in the emergency room that day and quickly got us a room and pain medication. My friend Kathy, who also happens to be Earl's former co-worker, took amazing care of me. And we even had a few laughs! The kidney stones earned me an ultrasound not only of my kidneys but of the baby too. That was a special treat. It was wonderful to see our little one bouncing around and completely oblivious to the drama.
These past few month have been filled with so much worry and stress about my health and who was taking care of the kids and returning to work etc., etc., etc. So when we got a peek at the baby in the ultrasound the other day the reality suddenly hit us. We were like, "Oh my gosh, look - there really is a baby in there."

And so as spring looms close by (although not close enough) we have a renewed excitement about all the changes coming to our family in the next 6 months. Things are in the works at the hospital to find my replacement and I am glad to be back there finishing up projects and handing off others. Our basement remodel is coming along nicely and will be ready before we know it. Once we are able to find out if we are getting another boy or another girl, we will be able to start preparing the nursery and the rest of our home for he or she. And of course, we are all looking forward to the summer together.

I apologize that this post is kind of all over the place. Our life kind of feels like that lately as we try to get back to some sort of routine in our house. I hope that you are all doing well and I thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers and for continuing to check in on us.

Feeling Better

A lot of people can't wait for their pregnancies to be over. On the day their baby is born they say, "I didn't think this day would ever come." For me, that day comes way before the baby is even born. It comes on a day like today - a day that I'm finally beginning to feel human again. There was a time a few weeks ago when I didn't seem to think it was possible. Don't get me wrong, I don't venture far from the house or do much of anything when I am in the house. But I don't feel like it takes every ounce of my energy to do things like take a shower. I know that everyone's prayers have gone a long way in bringing me this far and I am so grateful for that.

So, for all of you who routinely text, call or leave a facebook message asking how I'm feeling - I'm feeling better today!!!!!!

Thanks again for the love and support that all of you have shown me over the past month. I'll never forget it.

Decisions, Decisions

The decision to have another baby was an easy one. From the time Cooper was a year old we knew that we wanted to add to our family. Unfortunately, it took us a little (okay, a lot) longer than planned. But it was still an easy decision.

What we didn't fully anticipate were all the decisions that would need to be made after we learned we would be having another baby. For one, I would not be able to travel to China with the group from work. Next, we quickly abandoned our plans for an addition to our house in favor of finishing our basement. We had to consider if three car seats would fit in the backseat of the Trailblazer. Would we buy a new bedroom suite for Cooper or for the baby? Those have all been pretty easy decisions. Some are still under negotiation but they are easily worked out.

What was not an easy decision was whether or not I would continue to work. A year and a half ago I cut back to part time which has been nice. But the days that I do work are still full of stress and hassle. The day begins way earlier than any first grader should have to get up. I then have to drop McKenna off at the babysitter down the street. After that I make a dash to daycare where I drop Cooper off and then head to work. On a good day I'm 15 minutes late.
On days I'm not at work I still feel obligated to check in on any urgent e-mails, worry about what will be waiting for me when I get back and often times field phone calls from my co-workers.

Don't get me wrong...I enjoy my job. All jobs have drawbacks but this position has allowed me tremendous flexibility, learning opportunities and career growth. I love the nurses who I work with and love helping and watching them grow personally and professionally. I couldn't ask for a better boss and management team.

Most days working moms feel like they are barely holding their heads above the water. I'm no different. It's difficult when you feel torn between your responsibilities at work and those you have at home. How many of us have given our sick kids a dose of tylenol at 6am just hoping we could get in a few hours at work before the daycare called. That's not the kind of mom I want to be - but it's the kind of situation I've been forced into more times than I care to admit.

So, for these reasons and so many more I turned in my resignation on Wednesday. It was one of the hardest and one of the easiest letters I've ever had to write. It's hard to let go of all that I feel like I've worked for. But it's so easy to embrace the chapter in my life that I'm about to embark on.

Of course I wonder if I've made the right decision. I'm sure that it will take awhile for me to figure that out. But for now I'm counting my blessings - grateful to be able to have the opportunity to spend more time with my kids and have less responsibilities outside of our home. I'm also grateful for the opportunity to return to floor nursing a few days a month. I can't wait to care for patients on a regular basis again. I've missed that in my life.

And so, May 1st will begin a new routine for the Mowry's. We are looking forward to having the summer to get ready for the new baby, go camping with our cousins and hang out at Mimi and Pappy's pool. Yep, so far this is definitely the right decision.

Musings From My Spot On the Couch

The weather has been horrible lately. At least that's what they keep saying on the news. The same news I watch at noon, 4pm, 5pm, 6pm.... You get the point. Really, I wouldn't have an idea in the world what the weather was like if I didn't watch the news and occasionally look out the window. From my spot on the couch cuddled up under my throw blanket I can close my chocolate brown drapes and pretend that it's spring.

I have spent more time on the couch in the past month than I ever have in my life. Once when I was contemplating where to place a lamp and end table in my living room, my friend Kathy asked me where did I like to sit and read. I thought a moment then shrugged my shoulders and said, "I don't sit, at least in here." Now after a month on the couch I have come to the conclusion that I like to sit in the corner of the sectional and that there is no convenient place in the corner of the couch for an end table or lamp.

I also have spent more time watching daytime TV in the past month than I care to think about. In my previous life (which I DO hope to return to soon) I spent most mornings cleaning up or running errands. I now have a routine TV schedule involving 3 episodes of A Baby Story, one episode of Make Room for Multiples, an hour of Ellen, and then check in with my friends on The View. I do occasionally attempt to read a book in an effort to stimulate my brain but have found that Ellen is really more entertaining!

I also used to compulsively check my work e-mail. Somehow or another this baby has effectively cured me of that. Once in awhile I consider opening the inbox and then just as quickly I put the thought out of my head. Here's why - On an average day I receive about 150 e-mails. Most of them require some other kind of action on my part and not just a reply. Now, consider the fact that I have been off work for the past 18 business days and well you do the math. My inbox has probably officially blown up!

I feel bad that I can't offer much more in a blog post than my musings from my spot on the couch. But, in an effort to keep a record of what is going on in our lives...this is pretty much it for right now. Except for I have to put one more plug in for my awesome kids who continue to amaze me. They have been cooped up in this house and never complain. They play nicely together without fighting or bickering. McKenna helps Cooper put movies or get dressed when he needs it. I even heard her reminding him to go to the potty the other day! Cooper is happy to watch movies, play with his cars or play video games (ahem!). I don't fully support that but truthfully sometimes I need a break.

That said, we are all very much looking forward to spring. I cannot wait until I'm feeling better, big as a house and heading out into the sunshine with the kids. I tell myself that I promise not to complain that it's hot or I'm fat because at this point I might give my left arm for that!

I'll leave you with one thought - 42 days until spring.