When Cooper was born McKenna was just three and a half years old. She was old enough to use the potty by herself, challenge me to a game of Candyland and carry on a half decent conversation. Yet she still had those cute little chubby cheeks that let you know she was still a toddler. Cooper came into our lives almost a full month early. And even more of a surprise than his early entrance into the world was the realization that three days later I would return home with a new baby boy and find that my "baby girl" had virtually grown up over night.
I distinctly remember a day when Cooper was just weeks old. My grandfather had traveled from Lewistown and stopped to see us. He asked if he could take McKenna out for breakfast. A simple request from a man who had many more life experiences than I had. He was someone who had taken my brothers and I on countless outings throughout his life. Surely he could be trusted to take a three year old down the road for pancakes. In my head there was no way I could say no. I was still in my pj's home alone with a new baby and a three year old. I needed a shower and perhaps even a nap at 9 in the morning. But my heart seized with the thought of handing my daughter over to his care for a few hours. In the end I strapped her car seat into the back of his Subaru, gave him a quick lesson on how to buckle the contraption and off they went. I tried not to let my post partum hormones get the best of me and headed back inside to worry about both of them until they returned.
With our third baby on the way I know now to expect to see McKenna and Cooper grow up overnight. I've even noticed changes in Cooper since the beginning of January when I first got sick. His conversations and interests have changed from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and trains to Batman and video games. But at the end of the day he's still my little baby for the time being and I can more or less control his social life. McKenna on the other hand is another story.
This weekend McKenna was invited to a birthday party. A friend who she has grown up with since her early daycare days was turning seven. We've known the family for years and of course McKenna was excited to attend the party. When the invitation first came it was for a movie and dinner. Later the invitation was extended to include swimming and a sleepover at a local hotel. What a cool idea, I thought. And then I thought again. I wasn't sure I was comfortable handing my 7 year old over for half the day and all night. And so I said to McKenna, "They are going to go to a hotel and swim and have a sleepover after the movies. But you don't have to do that if you don't want to." McKenna took one look at me, wrinkled up her forehead and said, "No." I breathed a quiet sigh of relief. But a little while later it hit me...what the heck kind of mother was I? McKenna has been scared of her shadow since she was old enough to realize what a shadow was. We have spent half her life trying to get her to step out of the box, try something new; ride a small roller coaster, jump in the pool, have fun. And here I was trying to protect myself, not McKenna. I felt like I was holding her back. Maybe I'm always holding her back.
And so I suggested that maybe she take her swimsuit and towel "just in case" she decided to go to the pool. And if she later decided to stay overnight I would bring her jammies and clean clothes. Then I dropped her off at her friends, hugged her extra tight, told her I loved her and bolted for the door. Once safely inside the car I took a deep breath, said a silent prayer and headed home where I would sit and worry about her until she came back.
This evening while we were at dinner I got a text message saying that McKenna had decided to stay the night, could I please bring her some clothes. At the same time I was feeling proud of her for doing something outside of what I perceive as her comfort zone that old familiar worry crept back in. I stopped briefly back at the house and tried to decide what pair of pj's were appropriate for a 7 year old slumber party. I decided on Hello Kitty hoping it was not too "babyish" and would keep her warm. I through in an outfit for tomorrow, a toothbrush, a hair tie and her pillow. Then I paused at her bedroom door trying to decide if I throw in the ratty old pink bear or not. In end I did, burying it safely at the bottom of the bag in case I made the wrong choice.
Ten minutes later we arrived at the hotel pool area. I spotted McKenna immediately as she saw me come in the door. The smile on her face said it all as she exclaimed, "Mom, I'm having so much fun." My daughter who this time last year was struggling and crying her way through swimming lessons was playing and swimming with all the other girls and having a blast doing it. I gave her a quick hug, told her how much I loved her and whispered that her 'Bear-Bear' was at the bottom of the bag. She looked delighted, said "I love you, too" and was back in the water.
The last I heard the girls were showered, in their jammies and watching a movie. It sounds like great fun to me and I'm so glad McKenna didn't miss it. She is going to grow up fast in the next six months. And for the rest of my life I'm pretty sure I'm going to have nights like tonight and mornings like when I let her go out to breakfast without me. Days and nights where I'll secretly worry until she is home again with me. But today was a reminder that we all have to step out of our comfort zones, experience new things and not hold back. Even me.
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